"I'll never move on! I love him!" I swore by this statement twice in all my life. Once, a year ago. Again, for the past 3 months. I was wrong, only once.
3 months ago, I started to believe that I had fallen for Jon. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Does it matter? I didn't think I could move on. We had a bit of an, erm... misunderstanding, and I was over him in a week, after 3 months of professing my so- called "undying love" for him.
Last summer, I developed a HUGE crush Ethan. He was there for me, and he told me about himself and I trusted himself with all of the things I never even told Shay when we were best friends. Thus, I fell. And I swore I wouldn't get over him. Then, I didn't see him for a year. I thought of him often, but still I dated others. I liked other male specimens and flirted with quite a good many of my close guy friends. But alas!, when I see him again a year later, I am filled with the same feelings of love and admiration that I had felt the year before. I know that this is crazy, because my saying "hi" seems to creep him out these days. But this is DEFINITELY the longest crush I've ever had on anyone. Could it be... that I... the cold, heartless wretch I am.... could I have TRULY fallen in love with someone? Is it finally my turn to feel that true rush of feeling? Is it possible that my heart has melted with the help of global warming and am now capable of feeling love for another person? The very thought... it amazes me...
So I've moved on. From Jon at least. And now I move closer to closer from the fiasco between the two of us. But I haven't moved on from Ethan. At all. And that closer is not to be found yet. But maybe... maybe one day...
Love,
Paige♥
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Perfection...
Let's face it, nobody is perfect, although we often try to be. A person I know once told me that (in the event that something didn't go my way) "Well, now you can stop trying to be perfect, and move on to something else." Which, if you know me, that didn't sit well with me. How could I just drop my goal and ambition to be perfect at just ONE THING in my life? Was it so much to ask that there be something I can do without flaw? I only ask for one simple thing. What is it I was so perfect at? Relationships... Or so I thought.
I know what you are thinking; naturally a girl as young as I can't be perfect at relationships! It is simply a preposterous thing to even suggest. Who would feed you such a crazy idea? Well, I would! Because I was. I admit it (though not proudly) that I have been in more relationships than most females my age. Why? Because I was searching for something I hadn't felt in a long time: true love. And although the relationships work out great and the guys are awesome, I never felt love. I mean, I cared for them a lot, and they cared for me, but it wasn't love. And so I moved on. It was "all good" as the folks of my generation like to say. (That's their prerogative, so don't be all up in my grill like "Listen here Missy, young ladies don't talk like that." They don't, but we aren't ladies. We're simply females in a male world. I digress...)
And so my search went on for loving arms and holding hands. But none of the arms were quite loving enough, and none of the hands fit with mine the way they should have. Yet, I never met a relationship I couldn't handle, and if it ended, it was because I felt nothing towards my partner. I was perfect at relationships and I could spot my next boyfriend from a mile away; I was nearly never wrong.
But then, one day, something amazing happened... I met a boy that I felt I had connected with. He and I became good friends (he was dating my friend) and had the occasion called for it, I would have trusted him with my life. Slowly but surely, my friend- like feelings for this boy began to feel different. I wanted to be near him all of the time, and when he smiled at me, it felt like my heart smiled and melted at the same time.
None of my friends thought e was that great looking, but what did they know? This boy (he's more of a man, really) was the most beautiful creature I had ever met. Now, don't get me wrong, a movie- star gorgeous appearance is a great bonus, but I'm the kind of gal who finds beauty in the inside of people; where it actually counts. But he was beautiful both inside and out. He was ruggedly charming, with a rustic look if he let his stubble grow out a little bit. He was chivalrous and kind, and I'd never heard him say a mean word to anyone. I was in love with him. (Though I tried to deny it at first.)
But this time, it wasn't so perfect. He didn't love me (real shocker there folks! That's sarcasm, by the way...) I knew that it would be a waste of time in the first place, because sweet, caring guys like him don't go for abrasive, outspoken gals like myself. I told him how I felt, and he accepted it, but neither told me to get lost or hang around for a while. I wasn't (and still am not) quite sure how he was feeling. Sometimes I felt that he was really diggin' on my vibe, but others I felt like he would have preferred if I had just crawled into a hole and died. Not going to lie, on those days, I would have preferred the same thing.
As time went on, and continues to do so today, I find myself not being as perfect as I used to be. I found myself second guessing everything I said, I did, and even what i wore. I was actually starting to care about dressing in a slightly attractive way without looking skanky. Who wudda thunk it??
I guess what I am trying to say is, even if you THINK you're perfect at something, you could be wrong. I was. I am definitely NOT perfect at relationships. And you won't find me as an award- winning, novel- publishing love guru anytime in the future. But at least now I can accept that I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough. And so are you, you just have to be willing to accept yourself, and stop trying to be what you aren't.
Perfect.
Love,
Paige♥
I know what you are thinking; naturally a girl as young as I can't be perfect at relationships! It is simply a preposterous thing to even suggest. Who would feed you such a crazy idea? Well, I would! Because I was. I admit it (though not proudly) that I have been in more relationships than most females my age. Why? Because I was searching for something I hadn't felt in a long time: true love. And although the relationships work out great and the guys are awesome, I never felt love. I mean, I cared for them a lot, and they cared for me, but it wasn't love. And so I moved on. It was "all good" as the folks of my generation like to say. (That's their prerogative, so don't be all up in my grill like "Listen here Missy, young ladies don't talk like that." They don't, but we aren't ladies. We're simply females in a male world. I digress...)
And so my search went on for loving arms and holding hands. But none of the arms were quite loving enough, and none of the hands fit with mine the way they should have. Yet, I never met a relationship I couldn't handle, and if it ended, it was because I felt nothing towards my partner. I was perfect at relationships and I could spot my next boyfriend from a mile away; I was nearly never wrong.
But then, one day, something amazing happened... I met a boy that I felt I had connected with. He and I became good friends (he was dating my friend) and had the occasion called for it, I would have trusted him with my life. Slowly but surely, my friend- like feelings for this boy began to feel different. I wanted to be near him all of the time, and when he smiled at me, it felt like my heart smiled and melted at the same time.
None of my friends thought e was that great looking, but what did they know? This boy (he's more of a man, really) was the most beautiful creature I had ever met. Now, don't get me wrong, a movie- star gorgeous appearance is a great bonus, but I'm the kind of gal who finds beauty in the inside of people; where it actually counts. But he was beautiful both inside and out. He was ruggedly charming, with a rustic look if he let his stubble grow out a little bit. He was chivalrous and kind, and I'd never heard him say a mean word to anyone. I was in love with him. (Though I tried to deny it at first.)
But this time, it wasn't so perfect. He didn't love me (real shocker there folks! That's sarcasm, by the way...) I knew that it would be a waste of time in the first place, because sweet, caring guys like him don't go for abrasive, outspoken gals like myself. I told him how I felt, and he accepted it, but neither told me to get lost or hang around for a while. I wasn't (and still am not) quite sure how he was feeling. Sometimes I felt that he was really diggin' on my vibe, but others I felt like he would have preferred if I had just crawled into a hole and died. Not going to lie, on those days, I would have preferred the same thing.
As time went on, and continues to do so today, I find myself not being as perfect as I used to be. I found myself second guessing everything I said, I did, and even what i wore. I was actually starting to care about dressing in a slightly attractive way without looking skanky. Who wudda thunk it??
I guess what I am trying to say is, even if you THINK you're perfect at something, you could be wrong. I was. I am definitely NOT perfect at relationships. And you won't find me as an award- winning, novel- publishing love guru anytime in the future. But at least now I can accept that I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough. And so are you, you just have to be willing to accept yourself, and stop trying to be what you aren't.
Perfect.
Love,
Paige♥
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