Fear....

Everyone has a fear of something. Be it spiders, bats, bugs, death, loneliness, thunderstorms, bananas, popsicles, lightning, long words, or your mother- in- law. We've all got them. But we all have that ONE fear that is more dominant than all of the others. It doesn't matter if its a rational fear or not, it is still there.

My biggest fear is losing my love. Not my ability to love, but the guy I love. Along with the HORRID fear of dying before I see him again. But that's a story for another time. Back to my fear of losing him. Perhaps I should give you some necessary details.

First of all, I am NOT GOOD at relationships. Or so, that's what I have to assume. Because none of mine have ever lasted. Never... Not one.

Next, you should know that I'm not an easy person to love. Heck, I am a hard person to even like in a friendly manner. So the idea that anyone could love me... I'll be honest... it's kind of scary. I don't know why. But I know that I am afraid. It's not that I don't believe in love, I do. But I am afraid of the love I feel for him. Because (in my past) everything and everyone (like, family) that I have ever loved has been taken from me at the most horrible moments. Or I love someone ( a friend, for instance) and they leave me behind. I am afraid of getting close to someone again. Not that I am afraid he will hurt me, I know he won't. But I am afraid that something or someone is going to mess it all up (it will probably be me, to be honest. I am good at messing things up...) and I will lose him. And I know that I wouldn't be able to handle that. It would tear me apart from the inside out. I don't know what I'd do, this side of losing it completely. He es my everything. And what do people do when they lose everything?? They give up. Chances are, I would do the same thing. Nothing would matter. Not my grades, school, friends, family, or myself. Nothing.

So I guess it makes sense that that would be my biggest fear. There are a lot of strings attached to what I've got now, but I want those strings. For now. I want them all. Later on, he and I can get rid of those strings together. but right now, I think I'll keep them. Because losing the strings now means losing him, and that would be VERY BAD...

I must go now.... I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adieu, adieu... Parting is such sweet sorrow.....

Love,
Amber<3

Starving

"The lack of food causes starvation. Food does not cause starvation. But I am most certainly starving to death without you." ~Someone Who Is Perfect

I do believe that more beautiful words have never been spoken. So poetic, and so perfect. It "struck a chord" in me, so to speak. I felt a pang of both horrid, destroying, soul- crushing sadness and extreme, ecstatic, intense, burning love. They sort of balanced each other out to fill me with a longing passion to be with him, to be in his arms and do nothing more than allow equally beautiful words to flow from my mouth regarding how much he means to me. However, I don't think I could ever say anything that beautiful, no matter how hard I tried.

I feel the same way about him. My heart cries out for him, pangs of "hunger" resounding within me. And although I talk to him often, I am never quite "full". The feeling never goes away. I still want to be with him. Physically. And right now, I can't be. The famine of 2012... awful. Just plain awful.... 

I can write no more on this subject right now. I allowed the tears to flow freely and can no longer see to write this... I must go...


Until I Can Write Again,

Amber<3

How Do You Know..?

My very best friend McKenzie asked me "How do you know when you're in love?" And I REALLY wanted a good answer. So... I put a lot of thought in it, became super self- centered, thought about my situation and told her the following:

"Wow... I had to think about that for a minute. I think it's when you can have a legitimate explanation for what you feel, but you couldn't explain your feelings to save your life. When you are willing to do things you never thought of before because it's something your partner likes to do. When you decide that nothing from your past or his will matter anymore and all that matters is living in the moment with him. When you can do nothing at all, but you're still happy just because you are together. You're willing to risk being yourself and you don't worry about what they're going to think. When you are apart, no matter for how long or how far apart you are, it feels as if a part of you is missing...."

So... that's the best I got. To all of you lovers out there. And to my lover. <33333 

Clandestine Love: A Poem

A secret
Never to be told
To anyone.
A secret
Somehow is known
By everyone.
A love
Never expected
By them.
A love
Never quite hidden
From their friends.
A lie
Told by lovers
For security.
A lie
Told by lovers
Though the truth is known.
A girl
Afraid to love
Finally giving in.
A guy
Wanting love
And finally feeling it.
A secret
Never to be told
To anyone.
But a love
Wanting to be told
To everyone.




**Note
This may possibly be my worst piece of poetry. (That makes sense, considering everything that's going on.) However, the intent to write a pretty piece was there. And it's the thought that counts, right?? So.... you don't like it??? LOOK AT ALL THE BOTHERS I GIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something About the Sunshine...

Have you felt the sunshine yet today?

I haven't. Neither has the love of my life. How sad is that? We have had multiple beautiful days, and neither of us can enjoy them. Why? We are constantly crushed by the emotions that we are hiding. Everything is a secret, while still being told to all of my readers. I miss him so much, you guys. I really do. It is... a cliched, crushing feeling of pain weighing down on me all of the time. There is no escape, but yet, I'm not sure I want one. This pain... this overwhelming sense of despair that courses through me like a shock of electricity, it reminds me of just how real it all is. It is a constant reminder of my pain and my love, but also of his.

Maybe I haven't felt the sunshine. But I have felt his love. I have never felt more full of love, nor more loved than I do with him. Because of him. He is love. My love. The epitome of the whole idea of love.

I'm not okay. I won't be okay until I can see him again and feel his arms around me. But until then, I know that I have to hold on. I have to stay strong (yeah, uhmm, failing at that by the way). Alright well, I can freak out I guess. It's not okay, it won't be okay for a while. I hope it gets better, but who knows? The pain of being apart will always be there, it will always be real. It will also be a secret. Sort of. But these are things that I learn to live with.

My dear, how I love you! I love you so very much! <333

Collages, Collages

How did I plan to spend this day when it seems like my feelings of love and missing him felt more intense that usual? Well.. I spent it making collages of course!! I figured I might as well share them with y'all!

Love, 
  Amber<33

P.S. If you can't read what they say, send me an email and I can send you a larger image. OR, if I already have your email, leave me a comment.

:)

Missing...

"Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle everything I do is stitched with its color." ~W.S Merwin

There are a lot of things we miss in life. We miss our childhood, loved ones that have passed away, an ex- friend, an old flame, the last piece of pizza, or even our neighbor's dead corgi. But you wanna know what I really miss?? My love. My true love. Oh the distance between us... It breaks my heart on a daily basis.

There's something about this one that is quite special. And I think about him all the time. And I mean ALL THE TIME. I think of NOTHING else during the day. I really have no idea how I've still got all A's. Considering he is all that I think about when I'm in class. I love him so much.

But when he isn't with me (and right now, he isn't. He can't be.) I feel as if I am mourning a loss. Which I kind of am. I mean, when you think about it. I feel as if I've lost him. Which is kinda funny, considering I know I've got him. ;) But that isn't the point. The point is that I am an empty shell. The only thing not with him is my physical body. My thoughts, my dreams, my love, my heart, my basis for reasoning, even, are with him. "Lucky things they are."

I wrote him a letter. Indeed, it is the best I can do at the moment. I miss him so very much.

Mon Amour,
    Tu me manques. J'ai l'impression que mon coeur a été arraché de ma poitrine. Je voudrais que tu viens me sauver. Je veux, je veux. Je ne peux pas dire que cela n'arrivera pas, cependant. Parce que tu étais mon souhait, et vous êtes venus. J'ai trouvé mon véritable amour. Je t'aime.
Amour,
     Amber

Why did I write all of that in French?? Because it's one of the most romantic languages, aside from Portuguese and Italian.

Anyway, mon amour, I love you. I miss you. I will talk to you soon. <3

It Finally Happened...

My dear readers, it has finally happened; this independent, self- sustaining, hater of all things romance female has finally fallen in love. Crazy, right? In love... Who wudda thunk it?

When my friends (the ones who are closer to me than family) could tell you that when they think of me, what they think of is that Demi Lovato song.

"The day I first met you, you told me you'd never fall in love"

I always swore... after having my heart ripped from my chest that I wouldn't feel even a passionate "liking" for someone ever again. Ever. But that has finally changed, and I am in LOVE. You don't need the nitty- gritty details dear reader. Those are for my own personal enjoyment. Just know that you can take the sweetest, nicest guy you know, and mine is better by 100+. That's a promise.

One thing you do get to know is: my love story is ROMANTIC. What are the chances that romance would enter MY LIFE and I would LIKE it??? I welcome it with open arms, really. And no matter what anyone could ever say to judge my... erm... can I call it a "relationship"??? Well, whatever you want to call it, it's still a better love story than Twilight. :)

Goodnight dear readers, I am off to dream about the most wonderful individual to have ever walked on this side of the Mississippi River, and possibly the earth. Oh world... how I love him! My private, almost secret love. <3

What Is Love?

"What is love?" ~Bronsen

How many times have I heard him say this? I haven't the faintest idea. But I've heard him say it enough to know that if I ever hear someone else ask the same question, I'll think of him. That's not all of the memories I'll have, but this is not the time for that subject.

However, that raises an interesting question I may have asked before. What is love? Well, in my opinion love is a four letter word that is the antonym for hate. Which is also a four letter, obviously.

But what is love? Can you love more than one person? Is it something you can fall in and out of? When it comes to the latter, I hope not. I really and truly hope not.

How about that AWESOME moment when people tell you that you're too young to be in love. I mean, really? You can love your parents and your friends, but you can't be "in love". Well, I must respectively disagree.

I have writer's block. :( And that's all I have to say about that.