Fear....

Everyone has a fear of something. Be it spiders, bats, bugs, death, loneliness, thunderstorms, bananas, popsicles, lightning, long words, or your mother- in- law. We've all got them. But we all have that ONE fear that is more dominant than all of the others. It doesn't matter if its a rational fear or not, it is still there.

My biggest fear is losing my love. Not my ability to love, but the guy I love. Along with the HORRID fear of dying before I see him again. But that's a story for another time. Back to my fear of losing him. Perhaps I should give you some necessary details.

First of all, I am NOT GOOD at relationships. Or so, that's what I have to assume. Because none of mine have ever lasted. Never... Not one.

Next, you should know that I'm not an easy person to love. Heck, I am a hard person to even like in a friendly manner. So the idea that anyone could love me... I'll be honest... it's kind of scary. I don't know why. But I know that I am afraid. It's not that I don't believe in love, I do. But I am afraid of the love I feel for him. Because (in my past) everything and everyone (like, family) that I have ever loved has been taken from me at the most horrible moments. Or I love someone ( a friend, for instance) and they leave me behind. I am afraid of getting close to someone again. Not that I am afraid he will hurt me, I know he won't. But I am afraid that something or someone is going to mess it all up (it will probably be me, to be honest. I am good at messing things up...) and I will lose him. And I know that I wouldn't be able to handle that. It would tear me apart from the inside out. I don't know what I'd do, this side of losing it completely. He es my everything. And what do people do when they lose everything?? They give up. Chances are, I would do the same thing. Nothing would matter. Not my grades, school, friends, family, or myself. Nothing.

So I guess it makes sense that that would be my biggest fear. There are a lot of strings attached to what I've got now, but I want those strings. For now. I want them all. Later on, he and I can get rid of those strings together. but right now, I think I'll keep them. Because losing the strings now means losing him, and that would be VERY BAD...

I must go now.... I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adieu, adieu... Parting is such sweet sorrow.....

Love,
Amber<3