What's it like, readers? What does it feel like to live a life where sometimes you are happy and sometimes you are sad? I would love for you to tell me. Let me tell you what being me is like.
Being me is like drowning. It's like constantly having great pressure on your chest at all times.
By nature, human beings come with a wide range of emotions. I come with three.
Some days, I am numb. I am completely and totally numb. I don't feel sadness or happiness or pain or anything. These are the days that I want to fight. These are the days when I am most likely to make a poor decision simply because I want to feel something.
Other days, all I feel is excruciating pain. I wish that I could tear myself apart. I want to self destruct. I can't, for the life of me, find a way to make the pain go away. So I cry or I refuse to eat. Anything.
Other days, I am so unbelievably angry. I know that if I am within a few feet of the wrong person I will try to fight them. I refuse to eat. I am always a few seconds away from flipping out on somebody. My temper has the shortest fuse. I don't even know why I get angry half of the time. But it is hard to live with.
I'm tired, guys. I spend 98% of my life being there for the handful of people that I actually care about. (The rest of the time I spend sleeping.) My friends know that no matter what is going on in their lives, I am there for them. But I don't get the same back. When I finally break enough to need someone to be there for me, they all run for the hills. I'm just too much to handle. And I'm getting tired of not only helping other people fight their fights, but of fighting mine alone. It's rough.
I'm tired.
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