My co- author and frister (friend who is like a sister) asked me "Who do you think I should like?" (Sorry if you didn't want me to share that Shay!!) And I couldn't help thinking "I wish I still thought it would be that easy. I wish I could still ask someone who I can like."
I realized today that sadly, I don't have thoughts like these anymore. My mind is so... OLD. Like, I think perhaps I got a brain transplant and the only available donor was a fifty year old woman? I don't know.
Today I was going to call up a boy that I fell for 4 years ago. I never totally got over him. (We started flirting AGAIN on the last day of school. It seems like we do that a lot when we're around each other. But he doesn't want to be "with me", because he doesn't want to "ruin our friendship". Even though we've broken up 3x and remain great friends. It makes me feel like one of his hoes, but whatever.) Anyway, I digress. I was going to call him up, and ask him for 30 days. I just wanted 30 days to show him 1.) We could make it work and 2.) That he really is as amazing as I say he is.
Sadly, I realized that I couldn't make that call. That was a really bold, mature move to make, and I wasn't sure he would be ready for such a proposal to be made. And it took all of my will power to put the phone back on charge.
I didn't choose to fall for him 4 years ago, and I didn't choose to fall for Jon, either. But yet I did. And so why do I not stop caring for either of them? Why DON'T we get to choose who we like in a romantic sense? That should be our decision to make, but it's not. WHY?!?
I used to feel bad when I liked more than one person at once. I wanted my heart to be as monogamous as my relationships, but it wasn't! And for a long time, I thought that I could change that. However, I had to accept defeat and realize I couldn't manipulate the way I felt about a guy anymore than they could manipulate the feelings they did (or did not) have for me.
So to all of those just beginning to feel these feelings :BEWARE. They don't end here!
I really hope you and your friend gets along again. I wish that one boy would let you do that so he can see how awesome you are and how sweet you are. I am kinda glad that you didn't make that call because he would probably make you more sad than you already were.
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