I Could Blame You...

I suppose that if I really wanted to, I could blame everyone else for everything that's wrong in my life. I could blame Shay for causing me to lose two of my "friends". I could blame Trinity for her breakup with Jon, which in turn caused me to finally admit my feelings about him to myself and others. I could blame Jon for rejecting me, thus rendering me lonely and sad every day. I could blame society for causing me to change my appearance every other season. I could blame my mom for making me the foods that I like, leaving me chubby and unlovable. I could blame my nieces for being so darn admirable that I just HAD to be a little bit like both of them. I could blame Maddy for being such a great friend that I couldn't have cared less about whether or not Shay wanted to be my friend anymore or not. I could blame Emily for being so epicly awesome that I couldn't help but unconsciously take on some of her characteristics. I suppose I could even blam GOD, for putting me on this Earth in the first place and forcing so much drama into my life. I could... but I won't.

I have to admit, that had I never told anyone that I really cared for Jon, I probably could have beaten the feeling out of myself. (Preferably with something soft, like a pillow.) Like, when "J.J." asked me if I love Jon, I simply replyed, "Love is a term that gets tossed around and thus means nothing. I have to say no." Which, if you know me, then you know that that's total bull crap. Of course I do, it's totally obvious. However, I believed that if I denyed the feelings to the "outsiders of my heart" then I could deny them (and believe it) to myself.

Can you change what your heart feels simply by will? The answer to that riddle is no...

Which then raises the question, is it my fault? Is it all my fault?

Which then gives you the answer: no.

You see, I came to the conclusion that if you can't control your heart or how you feel about someone or something, then it's not your fault that your actions or body language reflect what you're doing. So no, it's not my fault. I can only blame my feelings. :)

Love,
 Paige♥