Honestly...

I'd like to say I handled this day well. That everything went great and it was all laughs and giggles, but it wasn't. At all. I had the most movie- like scene go down today, and as much as I pretend that I'm in a movie (when a sad song comes on the radio and i stare forlornly out the window for the fun of it), I didn't enjoy this. I was plainly rejected by a guy I have liked SO MUCH since I met him. I've never even crossed his mind. He apologized and I said it was "all good", and practically ran to class, then the restroom so my classmates wouldn't see me break down and be weak. And I found out that his current ex (who is supposed to be a good friend of mine) has wanted to punch me in the face on more than one occasion. That's two losses, two birds with one stone. I lost that feeling that I can totally trust a friend, and I lost the chance to find love that wouldn't leave me like it always does. (Since I was a little girl, by the way.) And, to be honest, I'm not used to losing good friends, or the boy I want. And if I do, it's because he is in a relationship, not because I've never crossed his mind. I don't know what this feeling is, this loss feeling. Idon't like knowing that I lost something I REALLY wanted. :'(

I can't say I handled this day with the utmost grace like I expected myself to. I mean, I prepared myself for the worst; I was prepared for him to say he didn't like me. I was not prepared to hear that I haven't ever crossed his mind, or that my friend wanted to punch me in the face. So instead of being strong, not crying, and being the tough individual I've always forced myself to be, I cried. I was weak, and I bawled my eyes out. And, in case anyone cares, I still am. I know, I posted that it was okay to break down and let go. But today of all days, I should have stayed strong. My eyes should have been coal black (as I've been told they look when I'm being "super strong", if you will.) But today, my eyes were wide and brown; the epitamy of innocence and vulnerability. And darn it, it better never happen again!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(